Tornados Don’t Exist, Fedor Just Hates Trailer Parks

Posted on | July 10, 2008 | 1 Comment

BY: Shaun McCoy

If you were to build a fighter to defeat Fedor you would make him a lot like Tim Silvia. Deep in your Frankenstein-esque lab you would labor over broiling pots of Brazilian Jui-jitsu, Olympic Wrestling, Olympic Judo, and K-1 level kickboxing. And you would have to stare at these for a while because Fedor has whipped them all. He has played in the molten lava of Nogueira’s guard on no less than two and a half occasions, and come out unscathed. He has faced a maelstrom of Olympic takedown talent in the forms of Mark Coleman, Kevin Randleman, and Naoya Ogawa , and has remained unimpressed. He has faced the whirlwind of Crocop’s striking with disdain. So what kind of Frankenstein fighter would you make to defeat Fedor? Well you might consider Fedor’s only weakness… his soft skin. You might build a fighter who was long and lanky. Who was hard to take down. Who had fast, hard punches which might cut Fedor. Someone who might last long enough to get a doctor’s stoppage. You might make Tim Silvia… but you probably wouldn’t, not just because Mary Shelley has gone out of style with modern American readers, but because your frankenfighter monster would probably lose anyway and then all you’d be left with would be a host of grave-robbing charges.

Does Tim have a chance to beat Fedor in this upcoming Affliction card? Of course he does, this is MMA. Anything can happen. They could fight in a cage. Elbows are legal. They’ll be fighting in America, where Fedor has never fought before. Tim could bring a gun. All these things would cause problems for Fedor. But does he really, honest to God, cross your fingers and hope to die, have a chance? No. No Tim doesn’t. He’ll get beat down like K-Fed at a 50 Cent concert. In fact, all these Chuck Norris jokes that have been tossed all around the internet should have been made about Fedor. The best Tim could hope for is that, after his loss, someone lets his daughters in the ring. Not that the publicity would be good for Tim or anything (or that he has any daughters), it’s just that it might move Fedor to tears. Then Tim could collect those tears and use them to cure cancer.

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