DRUGS ARE BAD!! ANOTHER CHARLIE SCHMIDT COMBAT SPORTS RANT
Posted on | July 27, 2007 | 4 Comments
DRUGS IN MMA
Who cares about Steroids in MMA? Performance Enhancing Drugs are for lame sports like cycling and the Tour De France. We need to show the world that MMA is way cooler than that. This is an extreme sport, right? Isn’t that what the general media calls it,”Extreme” cage fighting? So let’s show them how extreme we are. Here’s what I call for:
LSD in MMA.
Forget about growth hormones, testosterone boosters, and anabolic serums smuggled from Mexico. Let’s get the fighters what they really need to go the extra mile while in the ring or cage, and that is some high powered Grateful Dead strength blotter acid. Imagine how exciting our sport could be! Say a fight on a UFC card is putting the crowd to sleep with the dull lay and pray performances of the fighters…have Big John administer a hit of acid to each fighter and voila, the fight goes from snoozefest to scorcher. By the third round both fighters will probably be in tears while racing around the cage chasing invisible bats and screaming at the top of their lungs before finally being led out of the cage in strait jackets. You think the beer swilling UFC fans would boo a fight like that? No way.
And what about Crystal Meth? Who wouldn’t want to see a 100 round fight, just like the way old days of boxing. The Crystal Meth Cage Fighting Championships, the CMCFC, would draw huge numbers, almost as many as the THXFC, the Tequila and Heroin Xtreme Fighting Championships. The THXFC would be tremendously popular due to the large amount of vomit produced by fighters while in the cage, creating a slippery slimy fight mat that leads to numerous comical slips during the fight. Showtime would jump on that in a minute.
The UFC already provides the guys on The Ultimate Fighters with booze, so why not give them some additional party favors? Have Joe Rogan and Eddie Bravo show up and give out their potent Ganja Lollipops to all. There will be no backyard street fights once those Pot Suckers hit the system, just a little reggae and some slightly uncomfortable shirtless male bonding.
Ok, to end on a serious note. Let’s cut out the dope guys. Look, it happens in every sport. Hell, I’m sure there has even been a competitive bowler or two who has competed while under the influence. From middle school athletics to the Olympics to the upper echelon professional ranks, all sorts of athletes use Steroids and other drugs. They get caught sometimes, but just as often they get away with it. It’s just a part of sports.
Unfortunately for the world of MMA, we are already fighting an uphill battle to be recognized by the general populous as a respectable, bonafide sport. It doesn’t help when the general media can characterize MMA fighters as roid raging Neanderthals because a few of our guys failed a test. Let’s not give em any fuel for their fire.